Fixate meaning an obsessive attachment to something or someone.

Chagrin meaning crazy or frustrating.

I’m too complicated to comprehend,too hard to crack so they give me the silent treatment or even the you don’t exist treatment…like a crazy person .I live my life as a nice,obedient,abiding teen .Like a robot I fulfill all their wishes,no questions asked,so they take me for granted .I just take it and swallow cause it’s the last I’m getting out of this world,like a punching bag I get hit and still go back .They like unravelling their thoughts and worries never thinking that I have the same.

My body is shaking,my mind and soul are shaking restless,helpless and hopeless…..but no cares,no one notices and even when they do they turn a blind eye .My loved ones far away,unable to tell them of my ordeals,feelings and predicaments,so as to ease them of what they are already going through to minimize their worries,they already have so much to deal with (Just too much on their plate)I try meditation,crying…but like a drug they wear out and my frustrations are there gazing at me.

I’m at the edge of lifelessness,I’m at the interphase between sane and insane .The insanity luring,hauling and enchanting me,but even insanity isn’t a life option for me so I resist.

I try to shout,to scream out loud but no sound coming out,no one noticing like an invincible restless spirit I wander and wonder .I try to cry but no tears are falling my pain like a fiery inferno has drained me out all the way from within.

“Can I breathe?”,and when I do I just wanna stop breathing .This is my hell.

Its sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.

By Philip K. Dick.


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